Yesterday, I had a series of strange thoughts. Thoughts that led to other thoughts, but not a conclusion in sight.

Dottie and I were turning a bed-bound man. He was grouchy, but we're used to that. She began lowering the bed with the crank, as I start to turn down the covers. I look at her just in time to see the crank snap off and hit her in the mouth. She fell back and started sobbing. I ran over and made sure she was okay. She immediately felt embarrassed for having such a strong reaction in front of me, and apologized.

She told me s story of how her husband -now ex- of 5 or so years had started abusing her quite suddenly one night, and she told me that being hit across the mouth brought back flashbacks. Instantly, I made the connection..

I can safely say that ALL of the women that work graveyard shift alongside me have been physically abused. I can't even fathom how that could be. How is is that these caring, motherly, amazing, strong women have all been in abusive relationships? It sickens me, really.

I've been abused in every possible way. I've been broken, lied to, manipulated, cheated on, fucked over, and blackmailed. I'm still dealing with it. I'm still celibate, I have to be.

I don't think it's my own strength that got my through it, because half the time, I was entirely ready to give up. What pushed me forward? Was it the promise of a better future? Grass greener on the other side? Who knows, but it has certainly brought me to where I am today.

I will probably always flinch when someone moves too quickly, and I may never be able to have sex again without panicking and crying. I hate those reactions, but I recognize that they're there for a reason, my own defense. All my responses have been conditioned.

I hate that I'm like this. I feel really messed-up, like I can never be fixed. I can't keep going like this. I'll never trust anyone.

Thank you, Step-father, for violating me in every imaginable way. No, really, it's awesome of you. I'll never fucking get over it.

And thanks to you, past boyfriends, for just making it easier for me to realize that the only one I can trust is myself, and for leaving me with a ton of awesome memories that make me cry and hyperventilate. I hope you all get what's fucking coming for you.

I'll always be incomplete. "That girl that can't relate and does nothing but hide from every possible connection" That's me.

You wanted honesty.