My grandfather (who's actually just a really close family friend) died a little while ago. It hit me like a slap across the face. The man was amazing, one of the best men I've ever known in my short time. He took time out of his own life to help raise me. I felt like part of me was destroyed when I heard the cancer finally took him. What could I have done differently? Would it make a difference? If there was anyone I'd want to be around my entire life, it would be him. I loved him so much.

It was really hard to deal with at first. Caitlyne called me at work and broke the news. Thank goodness I was sitting at the time, because I would've fallen. I was crushed.

I have to think positively; at least he wasn't in pain. That's what matters.

After that, I started to spiral down. I hit rock bottom about 2 weeks ago. I broke a razor blade and cut myself maybe 50 times all over my leg and thigh. I felt a serious need to go further and deeper, but I somehow managed to drag myself to the mental hospital and told them that I was suicidal and that I just cut myself, etc., etc., etc... and they nearly put me in the asylum. I wanted them to. I'd love to get away from my life for a few days, even if I had to deal with 'the crazies' as they call them.

I've been going to the mental hospital for years, now. I've yet to receive a completely correct diagnosis, til recently.

I was first diagnosed with just an anxiety disorder because my doctor was a jackass. I then saw two different doctors who confirmed that I was bipolar. I then had to yell at the first doctor because the medication would've made me more suicidal, and I made sure he gave me what I wanted. We compromised, and I had to get something similar but more generic because I have no insurance.

This medicine makes me feel so dizzy and tired all the time.

I went a few days ago to a brand new therapist, and she started asking me in depth about my auditory and visionary hallucinations, to which I told her that they never go away, even when I'm now having a mood swing. She's now trying to diagnose me with schizo-affective disorder, which definitely fits me better then being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.